Monday, 27 April 2015

Free advice to NEREA of Sauti Sol...if she can read.

Not to be a hater, I love this song by all means,Nerea by Sauti Sol Ft Amos and Josh, but it got me thinking of the down side of it. There is another reality to having this baby. The timing and type of relationship with this man has to be right.
Nakuomba Nerea… usishike mimba yake kama haujasoma mawaidha haya.(I'm begging Nerea, read this before you decide to or 'accidentally' get pregnant). If you still can't read for one reason or another; e.g you've just enrolled in class one for the free Primary Education,or just don't like reading; could any dear friend reach her in person and enlighten her? I want you to enjoy motherhood Nerea.

Dear Nerea, please listen to me. I will try as much as possible to maintain my polite tone. I will also not charge you for my services, because I know you’ll come to thank me some day.

Getting pregnant? Are you crazy!? Don’t even think about it!

And lest you forget, please pull out your little notebook and jot this down-as a reminder from a loving sister from another mother 

Unless he has walked you down the aisle and put a ring on your finger in the presence of a REAL Pastor and REAL family members from both sides,the last phone conversation you’ll make and hear his voice will be something like this;

You: “ Honey…am pregnant!” Am sure you’ll have confirmed this with your gynecologist before breaking the news to your honey, so this will definitely not be a prank.
Him: “You what!!?”….. (Long silence….)Then the phone goes dead. OR
Him: "What do you mean pregnant!?... didn't your mother teach you about pills!?" Then the phone goes dead. Same thing, dead phones.
 If by miracle the conversation lasts longer, he’ll simply say it was ‘a bad accident’ or blame you for trapping him. Then the phone will  still go dead.
I am also hoping that you'll not be too naive to break this news in person over an outing because chances are that you'll walk back home alone... talking to yourself and with wet handkerchiefs in your handbag, soaked in lots of tears, mucus and some sweat. The walk will be good for venting out though.

The next time you’ll hear from him; sorry, let me rephrase this; the next time you’ll see him (Being the typical Kenyan man with a village in his head; he'll be in flesh, wearing a black suit…and a lusty smile) will be perhaps twenty-something years down the line when your (sorry to say, but if you choose to remain unmarried after this) bastard daughter will be getting married to some lucky man and the dowry is being paid to you. Or, when your (sorry to say this again, but if you chose to remain unmarried) bastard son wins a marathon, a US rotary ticket, one of those Safaricom jackpots or is featured on K24’s young and rich program. He will even agree to a paternity/DNA test to prove that his sperm (that’s what swims into the egg to make a baby right?), was shot on target…twenty something years back.
If the above scenario escapes you, here’s what is likely to take place if he marries you ‘out of pity’ because you got his baby and he confirmed beyond doubt that it was his:
1.       He’ll always blame you for ‘trapping’ him into a marriage he never wanted. In one of those feigned drunken stupors or during bedtime prayers, he’ll confess that he never even wanted to be with you,and that God should punish the Pastor that joined you because the spirit should’ve revealed this to the Pastor! That’s why am telling you to ensure you engage a REAL Pastor at your wedding.He/She could save you by saying..."the spirit has refused" then you'll still raise a bastard (if you choose to never get married).
2.       After the birth of this little miracle that could be (or may not be) the future, Lupita Nyong'o or Wangari Mathaai, or Victor Wanyama, or President Barack Obama, or Nelson Mandela, or Jaramogi Oginga Odinga, or Miriam Makeba,or  David Rudisha, or Hussein Bolt, or…me: You are highly likely to put on a little more (No. A lot) of weight and lose your once ‘coca cola bottle shape’ that made him fall for you in the first place. He will replace you with a sweeeeet, preeeetty, (please note that these are prolonged adjectives to magnify her beauty) slim fit, twenty nothing year old as a side dish and spend all your savings on maintaining her to massage his ego. She won’t resist his charm spiced with your hard earned cash!
3.       Your post pregnancy stretch marks around the once flat tummy, curvy hips, toned arms, and rounded gluteus medius and maximus (anatomical names for the butt) will force you to cover your body a little more… sorry, a lot more with long sleeved free dresses and lesos (remember am not saying those beautiful designer lesos that make us look sexy) hiding what he liked staring at most (also remember your tummy’s still hanging out and cellulite's mocking the rest of your lower body while you struggle to return to shape). He might say he confuses your bedroom for a zoo with a zebra (you) and make a run for either a club to hang out with long lost single friends who are always accompanied by you know who…who are always taken to the club's upper rooms at a fee for you know what services. OR he will simply again…replace you with a sweeeeet preeeetty slim fit twenty nothing year old. His sad story about you will sweep her off her tantrums. She won’t resist his charm... spiced with your hard earned cash!!
4.       God brings this little angel with a plate as it is said, so basically the child is not starving but putting on a lot of weight and scoring lots of zeros in class. Remind you there are some children born with disabilities, have learning disabilities, or are just talented in other spheres of life other than reading and cramming books and formulas (the Kenyan way). We all know what happens here; he will always blame it on you.”Mtoto mjinga kama mamake!” (the child’s as stupid as the mother).This reminds me that in my point number one, the reverse happens whereby he tells the world how equally brilliant he was, as such, the child’s success is due to his ’good’ gene.
Lastly, so I can keep my mouth shut before this men start bashing me(but don’t worry, I’ll be fine because I know they are  emotional cripples): If he marries you and saves you from raising a bastard, but still remembers that he'll never forgive you for the ‘accident,’ Nerea, you are stuck with him…forever…till death do you part. Because I hear you make a vow from the Holy Book when a REAL Pastor precedes your ceremony and REAL family members attend as a witnesses! Till death!? You deserve better than this Nerea.
Stay safe Nerea I beg oo. Motherhood is a blessing and you should enjoy having the baby(ies) at the right time...with the man of your choice, who vows to love,lead and protect you,while you watch his back from the sweeeeet preeeetty slim fit twenty nothing year old vultures.

Any question for me Nerea?


  1. Celestine dear, am tearing because this scenerio has played out far too many times in our society, not to say that all men are like that but indeed this Nerea should hear your advice. PS i didn't know you were such an eloquent writer, i thought it was a high school thing, please go ahead and publish your thoughts my dear, thanks for your boldness to write this for the Nereas that can hear..

  2. sims, artistry as expected, but in words, woau, nice piece. someone call MYW

    1. MYW...? Still loading what that could be. But in the meantime... Thanks!